Parenting, Autism, and the Pursuit of Being Awesome
The J-Man would like to extend a variety of holiday wishes to you!
We’ve received a gift eleventy billion times better than anything from a store – him talking a little more each day. And what a wonderful gift it has been to hear his voice!
(Click the click to continue link to open the page with the video.) [click to continue…]
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Speak your mind — even if your voice shakes. – Maggie Kuhn
Our J-Man is starting to string syllables together. Not many, but he’s doing it. He’s slowly but surely doing it without prompting. It rarely exceeds three or four halting words, but he’s doing it.
This feels like our version of the moon landing.
After so long doubting that he would ever really talk, as I was pulling into the driveway the other morning, for the first time something struck me. I started crying in the car. I believe it now. I really believe it. He’s going to talk, and he’s going to tell us about wonders we never imagined possible.
Even if he never did talk, would it change how dear he is to me, how much I love him, how much I will cheer for him, how much I will fight for him, how awesome he is and will be? Not one bit.
But I see how hard he works at trying to communicate verbally. I see him get so frustrated and upset at being unable to get his point across. I want to know how he feels, what he thinks about, how he sees the world. I want desperately to find some way to unlock his voice. I don’t care if that’s via his voice box, an iPad, or something else. But I feel him trying to show us how much he wants to figure out how to use his own voice. The more Dale Jr. talks, the more amazing things I realize he has to say. And I feel more like a failure as a parent that I haven’t found a way to help our J-Man do the same.
Recently he has been scripting some. He’s stringing together sounds, syllables, and approximations to repeat things he hears, often from kids’ shows he likes such as the “Here’s the Mail” song in Blue’s Clues and the intro song to Pinky Dinky Doo. These are motivators for him, and we are all about those especially since so little historically has been a strong motivator for him. They are familiar, they give him something to focus on, he can use them to practice sounds, and most of all, they make him happy.
I know we all have kids spanning the entire communication spectrum, so to be clear, he’s not suddenly uttering these crystal clear sentences. Some words are shortened – some to the point they sound like rapid, breathless speech. Some of his syllables vary greatly in length and use stresses you aren’t used to hearing. His inflections at the end of words may be all over the place, though they sound almost melodic. But you know, it doesn’t matter how he does it because there’s no one ‘right’ way. This is the purest music to us.
We were talking with his speech therapist recently, and we were all rejoicing that he’s started experimenting with these inflections and different intonations. He’s trying to close off words and say all the sounds in the word, not just the first syllable or two. He works so hard to get it all out, and now he’s staying with it longer and trying to finish the words he starts. He’s known for his clipped, monotone syllables when he does speak. He’s creating his own verse now with rhythm, tone, and meter all his own, and he continues to experiment and improvise.
What he’s doing now sounds like jazz. No, it is jazz.
He experiments with the notes. He is unbound by the stress and unstress of our so-called speaking. He is finding his own way. He is making it up and discovering it as he goes along. We can’t make his mouth, tongue, throat, and lungs make the sounds. He is the musician here. We can try everything we can think of, but so much of this is his journey of discovery. And he’s doing it.
His syllables sway and dance haltingly like middle schoolers at their first dance. He takes verbal steps slowly, carefully, daringly like a toddler, but he keeps at it, laying out one syllable after another. He lines them up like whirling dervishes, dreamy sloths, or slippery snakes, not going where he wants them to yet, but indeed they are going somewhere exciting.
And like a crossword, enough clues are now filling in that it seems bit by bit to be getting easier for him. Eventually there’s a tipping point where the momentum shifts in your favor. Maybe, just maybe, we’re finally there. Slowly but inexorably, it’s happening.
He sees everything around him, feels entire constellations of emotions, has wants and needs, has opinions and ideas, and has untold riches to share with the world. He may experience some or all of these things very differently than most of the rest of us, but that’s what so wonderful about it. What he sees and feels and thinks is unique in all the universe. I want him to be able to share that with whomever he wishes to.
And now these little rays of sunshine are poking through. It’s going to happen.
I see his face beam when he does get the words out. The light bursts forth from every pore in his face. I see his whole body rejoice when he is heard and understood. If there is anything that makes my heart sing more than seeing this in one of our children, I don’t know what it is.
And most of all I see it in his eyes. He now believes it, too. It’s going to happen.
I want this as much as anything. I want him to believe in himself. I want him to know that he can find a way to do whatever he seeks to do, no matter how long it takes. Forget however long it takes anybody else. I want him to know that doesn’t matter. This is his journey of exploration and discovery. He may have to take paths less travelled, or ones not travelled at all. He can blaze his own trail through sheer force of will. There’s magic out there to be found.
I remember all the days trying to get more than ‘kuh’ out of him (the sound that once meant anything and everything). It took months of work day in and day out to get just one new sound. I remember having no idea how he’d ever find ways to communicate and how we’d ever be able to help him tell us what he wants, needs, and thinks.
But slowly and surely over these years, it’s happened. One syllable at a time, he has pulled himself up this Super Everest. I’m still not sure how all this will turn out, but he’s made a believer out of me. He has that effect on everyone.
After so long, I believe it now. And we get to spend the rest of our lives discovering everything he has to say. How amazing is that?
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The J-Man has a tendency to want to watch the same episode of the same TV show over and over again. I imagine this is not an earth-shattering concept to many of you, and it’s not for us either. But I got to pondering why, looking for something beyond the more obvious.
It’s also not earth-shattering news that autistic kids often engage in many kinds of repetitive behaviors and prefer to repeat familiar activities. I’m sure this plays an important role in why he likes chain-watching the same episode over and over. I believe there’s a lot more to it than just that, though.
To an outsider, this sort of behavior may seem ‘non-functional’. (Hey, I think we’ve talked about supposedly ‘non-functional’ behaviors not long ago!) There certainly are many situations in which watching the same TV show over and over again may very well be little more than an occasion to zone out. However, I’m going to argue that there are conditions in which it’s not only functional but possibly a critical component to a child’s learning, autistic or not.
For what it’s worth, here’s my current thought on this issue. I believe there’s a much more specific point to his supposedly ‘non-functional’ repetitive behavior in watching and rewatching the same show. I think he’s practicing the content of the show in his head until he feels comfortable demonstrating outwardly what he’s learned. He often begins this process by watching a show in a manner that to an observer would seem passive. At some point he moves into this outward expression of concepts slowly, intermittently, and often subtly at first, but usually he’s pretty quick to get to where he consistently does it well. Like I said, it seems like he rehearses inwardly until he’s almost sure he’s ‘got it’.
For the J-Man, he particularly likes watching the same episode of Signing Time – an amazing, special needs-friendly series that teaches children American Sign Language and reading and language skills – and most recently Yo Gabba Gabba over and over. He’d probably watch an episode a half-dozen times in a row – at least – if we let him. However, it’s worth noting that the specific episode he wants to watch eventually changes, and the cycle begins again.
Here’s why I think what he’s doing has an important function to it.
* He is usually engaging with the program, first by watching intently, then interacting with it in some constructive manner (sometimes a lot, sometimes not as much, but he keeps a relatively high level of focus regardless), and involving us in some way, typically by using words, verbal approximations, or a few signs and expecting us to repeat them back to him.
* He displays greater comprehension of what’s in the episode over time. This is a very gradual process, but his assimilation of the material does increase the more he watches it. This strikes me as the very definition of practice.
* Whatever pieces of the episode that may cause him sensory (almost always auditory) distress seem to cause fewer issues over multiple watchings. It’s like he’s actively trying to work through this distress.
* This is similar to what he’s done often in the past. As a baby and young toddler, he just suddenly did things he seemingly couldn’t do before. There were any number of things we never saw him do at first. We’d just turn around and he’d done it. For example, it took us forever to catch him rolling over and sitting up. We’d turn around, and there he was rolled over or sitting up. He didn’t walk unsupported until he was 22 months old, but once he started, he was running around the house within two days. It’s like he has to organize everything in his head first before he does it in ‘real life’.
* Just as suddenly as he started wanting to watch an episode repeatedly, he often stops being interested in it. Typically this only happens after he’s started demonstrating multiple concepts he’s learned from it. Perhaps it’s because he’s gotten all he can from it for now. At this point, he moves on to another. This interest period typically lasts roughly 1-3 weeks.
Given that communication is one of his greatest challenges – and understandably one of the most frustrating for him – we look for more relaxed ways to help him practice communication. I think after a while he gets tired of being asked to interact with real-life people – most of us do! – so something two-dimensional like a TV screen or electronic gadget of some kind may prove a welcome respite for him. It’s hard to tell sometimes, but it seems that way just from what we can glean from his non-verbals and general mood.
I’ve been pondering these theories about this for a while now, but I’ve been skeptical of it for a long time because of my hesitancy to believe that TV is ever that great for kids (other than to give parents a break for a bit!). I still think for the most part that TV – of either the kid or adult flavor – is crap, but that’s another story. There are a few programs I think make a difference, though.
I’ve become much more convinced that the J-Man is learning a lot this way because of how amazingly far Dale Jr. has progressed in his development watching Signing Time and Pinky Dinky Doo with us. We do try to make it a family activity, though I confess sometimes we turn it on just so we can get a few minutes to eat or go to the bathroom.
Anyway, Dale Jr. just turned two recently. Right now he can: verbally identify almost all upper and lowercase letters (in a variety of fonts too), recognize and verbally label 8-10 colors with little or no prompting, identify God knows how many animals and objects (macaw!?), draw from a working vocabulary of probably a couple hundred words, talk in phrases and basic sentences and engage in some basic conversation, do all this in a variety of contexts (generalization!), read some words (he loves the J-Man’s written schedule board), and use more sign language than I can. Now given our family history, I wouldn’t know ‘typical’ development if it jumped up and bit me, so I’ve asked around, and everyone has told us that this is highly unusual at 24 months. Feel free to correct us if we’re wrong.
Rather than some non-functional, mind-numbing experience, I think this practice is really helping both our kids. The J-Man’s speech skills have increased tremendously of late. I’m not at all advocating dumping your kids in front of the TV all day every day. I’m inclined to think there are very few TV programs with which extended viewing would be appropriate regardless. However, I am starting to believe that using this approach with certain programs as part of a broader plan of, for example, developing verbal and reading skills can absolutely work.
We’re specifically convinced that Signing Time has been instrumental in helping our kids with word recognition, communication skills, and reading. The way they both interact with the show is quite amazing, and they, each in their own way, use those skills in other contexts during the day. We reinforce those skills all through the day in as many ways as we can.
I don’t want to turn this into a lovefest for Signing Time even though I think it’s deserved. Both kids also love Pinky Dinky Doo, which I think may be the most autism-friendly program on TV with all its structure. They’ve picked up tons from it, too. Very recently, they’ve both been really into Yo Gabba Gabba. I can see why Dale Jr. loves it because it’s so movement-oriented, music-based, and silly. I was astonished, though, that the J-Man enjoys watching it and even requests it verbally! If you’ve seen it, it’s not necessarily the most sensory-chill show in the world. It’s honestly kinda trippy. We’re still trying to discern what the J-Man is getting out of it, but when he requests something verbally and consistently, there’s something he’s working on. I’m convinced of this.
So what does this all mean? I do think structured kids’ shows that offer some level of engagement and that stimulate areas your child is working on (e.g., speech and communication, movement/imitation) can be worthwhile. I believe they can offer a lower-key way for autistic children to learn without all the extra energy it takes to interact with people socially. Therein also lies the caution. I see these TV shows as a complement only. The J-Man gets sometimes 9 hours or more of learning, therapy, and social time a day on weekdays. That’s a lot of people time, and socializing can be so draining.
If you set up TV watching times as opportunities for learning and skills reinforcement, I certainly believe it can work well for your child. As with everything else, think about it in context with the rest of the activities you and your team of educators, therapists, family, and friends are doing and how it fits in with your overall learning and developmental goals for your child. TV is simply a tool and a resource, and tools used wisely and for the right purpose can make a big difference.
If you’re interested in Signing Time and want to help support our site, you can get Signing Time DVDs through this affiliate link. We love Signing Time and understand that some people don’t care for affiliate links, so you can also just go to signingtime.com.
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Today the J-Man went back for his first day of school after the 3 1/2 week fall break, which incidentally is why we’ve posted so little lately. Two kids running amok, some travel, being buried in work, a round of a stomach bug, and the normal life chaos will do that to you.
When he goes back to school, there’s always the question of whether he’s regressed during the time off and how long it may take to get back to where he was before break and into the groove of things. We usually hope for a few days. Last year it sometimes took the whole nine-week term…
But today we got this story from his teacher. She should warn me about sending me a joyous message that I might read outdoors because I busted out with the happy tears and then wondered whether passers-by thought I was seriously unstable. That’s OK; it’s more than worth it!
So today we were sitting at the track waiting for a few kids to finish their laps. J-Man was sorta in a yoga position, not stressed just comfy after his long walk. I started asking a few kids about the pumpkin patch. All of a sudden, he popped up and said “I” with a huge smile on his face. So I said, “J-Man, did you go to the pumpkin patch?” He said “I” again. So I cued him with pictures “yes or no. Did you go to the pumpkin patch?” He said “yeye” and patted his chest. Then I said “Did you get a pumpkin?” He patted his chest and tried his best to say pumpkin then said “yeye” again. I was melting with his excitement! He was so happy and proud of himself. It was a moment I will remember forever! Your son makes me honored to be a teacher.
And we are honored that you are his teacher. We don’t have enough words to thank you.
And I am so proud and happy I don’t know what to say!
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There are now three of us at school who are iPod Touch addicts when it comes to frantically searching for an app that will help free us at least to some extent from the mountain of little picture cards, strips, and communication boards strewn all over our house and car. It’s either that or you never seem to have the ones you need with you in a particular situation. There are numerous great iPod/Phone/Pad apps out there now for picture communication, and my two iPod friends have indeed found a couple they really like. I was certainly impressed with them, too. There’s a lot of creative work going on out there in app developer land.
But here at Chez Flashlight, we have what at first seems like a minor issue, but in the realm of iPod and iPhone communication apps it quickly becomes a much more daunting one. Because the J-Man likes written words and can read many of them, he does remarkably well with pictures as long as they are labeled, and usually the bigger the label the better. We’ve even worked him toward schedule strips with small picture icons and larger written-out words. (See below.) Our more traditional looking picture squares get larger and larger word labels as time goes on. The problem? The iPod and iPhone apps we found so far focus on the picture and much less on the word label.
[Examples of picture strip-based schedules. Follow it like a list. Compare with his aging food choice card below and notice that the pictures above are now just icons with large word labels (or large words with little icon labels). Obviously we now have a zillion disorganized strips that seem to multiply like rabbits in the house.]
[J-Man's food choice card that he's been using forever.]
For the most part, this has been a good ‘problem’ to have. We are all convinced, however, that he has hyperlexia. Hyperlexia is where a child has reading abilities beyond or well beyond age level and often a strong fascination with letters and numbers, but it’s often accompanied by significant difficulties understanding speech. Indications also are that while being able to read at a high level, the child may not actually comprehend much of what he/she is reading. It’s thought that a noticeable percentage of autistic children are hyperlexic, and there’s a theory that children with hyperlexia are usually on the spectrum somewhere. There are cases when, for example, you ask the J-Man to point to a ‘butterfly’ in a book that he points to the word and not the picture. This can make teaching what the word means and how to generalize it more challenging, but we can work with that. The good news is that we believe we can leverage his reading strengths to help him compensate for his verbal communication challenges.
The issue is that so many picture communication tools for his age assume that there’s not much in the way of reading skills there yet, or at least that those skills are secondary to picture recognition. And really, this isn’t unreasonable. The assumption – I think – behind most of the current iPod/iPhone/iPad apps is that the child is picture-visual rather than word-visual (written words are still visual), will become more and more verbal, and between that and pictures will be able to communicate their needs. The problem is, what do you do when the child over time still only minimally talks or doesn’t talk at all, their needs become more and more complex, and you just don’t have enough pictures to capture it all?
Maybe it’s just me and my limited abilities to grasp what to do here, but as the things he wants to communicate become more abstract and nuanced, pictures alone just have a very hard time overcoming a communication barrier with a more verbal world or at least with parents who are struggling to learn a language that best suits him. I know it’s possible to develop a picture-based, visual language, but we have to be able to understand what a visual means to him and he has to be able to get his point across. We have to find someplace to meet in there at least until we build a foundation to work from.
Obviously, this is a complex issue that we can’t do more than scratch the surface of in one post. The main reason I bring this up is that I want to find an app that meets his needs, and I haven’t found it yet. Apps are so expensive, few of them have trial versions, and $35-$200 is a lot to pay just to try something out. There are some very cleverly done apps out there that I’ve tried, and I’ve dabbled with a lot of them, but all of them I’ve looked at focus mostly on pictures and put text as secondary. An app that put pictures and text on more equal footing might get us somewhere. Maybe something like that would address the needs of kids like our J-Man who are either more interested in words for visuals or are just at a level developmentally where they are ready for reading.
The leading contender I’ve found is Proloquo2Go. It’s the only one I’ve seen so far that appears to allow for both picture and text-based communication in such a way that both can be prominent and we can leverage his reading skills. The problem? It’s $190 and has no trial version. That’s a lot of money for something I’m not sure about, but the video tutorials are compelling and its extensibility and customization options put it well above anything I’ve tried so far. In the past, I’ve considered Proloquo2Go more of an app for older kids and adults, but I’m beginning to see the possibilities for our now five-year-old.
Anyone have any suggestions about iPod apps? If you are an app developer and think your app either addresses the above already or you’re working on an app that might, drop me a line.
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Last week we had a parents’ night at school, and discussed communication. The topic was so popular that they were a little overwhelmed in the childcare area, so I ended up leaving about halfway through and helping out. (I carried around the 2 youngest kids and sang to them. My arms still hurt 3 days later.)
We talked about picture boards, and choice boards, and expecting MORE from our kids in terms of communication… but maybe sometimes LESS in terms of spoken words. One of the things the teachers kept stressing was that parents need to remember to stop themselves from overwhelming the kids… with words. They really pushed using pictures to illustrate what the kid needed to say, instead of constantly repeating ourselves. For example, we should say “would you like some apple?” – and then if there is no response, pick up the picture card, and point to the applesauce – and be quiet. Just point.
This one is a hard one for Tim and me. I have to keep reminding myself to shut up, and give the J-man time to process and respond. And keep reminding myself. And keep reminding myself.
The teachers also suggested making the J-man interact with us more – by only giving him a little of what he wants, or only part of what he needs. For example, I know that every morning, the J-man comes downstairs and has applesauce, nuggets, and tea for breakfast. For the longest time, we just went ahead and had everything ready to save time. Now though, he has to ask for each of those things. We also have started giving him half a container of Veggie Straws, when he normally gets an entire container of them for a snack. If he wants more, he has to ask for them! (While I was typing, he asked for crackers… I gave him 3, when I’ve seen the boy eat an entire sleeve! So I’m waiting to get interrupted again.) They suggested when he asks to color, to give him the paper, but then wait for him to ask for the crayons, or even make him ask for specific colors.
One last thing we talked about recently was trying to move the J-man toward forming some letters correctly with his mouth – instead of B and P, he makes this “glottal stop” sound with his lips open. We are waiting (and waiting and waiting) for him to close his lips while making that sound, and only THEN does he get to watch Pinky Dinky Doo, or “do pillows” where we squash him on the floor with pillows for deep pressure. The past couple of times, I’ve just needed to tap my lips and say “lips” and he closes his. The sound is still the same at this point, but the lip position is at least beginning to change.
It’s so slow sometimes that I want to scream. And then, like the “P” lips closed position thing, it’s quick.
One more thing that has nothing to do with communication, but is just too awesome to not mention: I steamed some carrots for Dale Jr, but then couldn’t get him to eat them in pieces, so I ended up pureeing them. I added them to applesauce, and he ate them just fine. Hmmm… how would the J-man react? I am proud to say that he now eats applesauce with pureed carrots (OR pureed butternut squash) AND a dollop of plain yogurt mixed in. I think he may even like it better than the plain applesauce. That makes… NINE FOODS!
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