I originally wasn’t going to weigh in on the recent, reprehensible treatment of Alex Barton by his kindergarten teacher in St. Lucie County, FL because it’s been written and blogged about at length all over the Web. I didn’t really know what I could add to it. But prominent bloggers who write about issues related to autistic children are calling for all who stand with Alex and his mother, Melissa Barton, to post their thoughts and show solidarity both with them and autistic children everywhere.

To briefly catch you up if you missed this, Alex Barton is a five-year-old boy on the autistic spectrum who - I can’t believe I’m writing this - was voted out of his kindergarten classroom after his teacher, Wendy Portillo, polled the class about whether they wanted him removed from class for the day. The class voted for him to leave by a count of 14-2. I wish I was talking about some alternate, bizarro, Survivor-esque universe, but I’m not.

[To catch up on the latest news, here's an article from the Palm Beach Post. There's a great post at Asperger Square 8 that you also must read.]

For what my thoughts are worth, here they are.

One of my biggest fears for J-Man is that other kids will regularly bully him in school just because he is ‘different’. Honestly, I fully expect it, and the hurt I already feel is terrible. He most likely will start preschool in our county’s autistic children’s program this fall. I confess my breathing gets shallower just writing about that. This will be a major transition for him, obviously, and I don’t need the fear of bullies making that worse. But that will be something I’ll have to deal with.

When I read that afterwards Alex kept repeating “I’m not special,” my heart broke. I tried to imagine J-Man sitting in the floor repeating those three words over and over again. I couldn’t. It hurt more than I could bear. Even writing this hurts. I can’t imagine being Melissa Barton right now.

As parents, we need to know that we can count on our children’s teachers, and for the most part, I believe we can. J-Man has had excellent teachers and therapists so far, and we are thankful every day for them. We need to know that people at our schools will be there to help our kids be the best they can be and serve as a voice that counters bullies and other people who might belittle them. We need to know we can count on them to treat our children as special and uniquely wonderful, not fear having to count them among the bullies.

Regardless of what anyone believes about children inherently wanting to rebel against their parents and adults in general, adults still have an incalculably powerful influence on them. When an authority figure teaches children, especially at that age, that excluding people who are ‘different’ from the community is OK, what do you think they are learning? What do you think that will translate into as these kids progress through school and into adult life? What kind of future are we creating as a result?

In a world overflowing with messages to exclude and reject those we do not like, those who are different, and those who ‘make us’ feel uncomfortable, there must be voices that proclaim the inherent and immeasurable worth in each person. We must be those voices.

Every kid needs the authority figures in their lives to accept them where they are. That doesn’t mean we’re not supposed to set boundaries and have rules and expectations. We start with a fundamental acceptance of the truth that every child, regardless of their abilities, has infinite worth. That is the foundation we must build everything else off of.

There are truths in our society that are self-evident and inviolable. We don’t get to put these things up for a psuedo-democratic vote. You don’t get to decide Alex’s or anyone else’s innate worth as a person and member of our society. That kind of world shouldn’t be allowed outside your TV. If you watch that kind of junk and take it seriously as something to emulate in your ‘real’ life, it’s time to go bury your TV.

In case I haven’t made my point clear yet - You don’t get to extinguish his light or anyone else’s. Period.

Shaming like this just leads to greater and deeper shame, creating this endless, horrible, destructive cycle. Kids who have special needs will get enough shaming in their lifetimes to make our hearts ache every day, if not every hour or minute. They need to know we’re sticking up for them.

They need to know that the people who love and value them simply for who they are will be ready and able to champion them no matter what. They need to know that our voices are stronger than those who either through intention or ignorance would tear them down. I hope in some way that my words will help him know this. And I hope every day that I will have the courage of strength and conviction to stand for them, no matter whose children they are.

There are lines you simply do not cross, and in this act, this teacher crossed it. As parents, we must hold that line without compromise against anyone who willfully or ignorantly breaches it. We are the first and last line of defense for our children. If not us, then who will?

What do I think should happen to Ms. Portillo? Schools have zero tolerance policies toward students, and I think teachers should have similar expectations and consequences for such egregious actions. She may just have been poorly trained and made a ridiculous error in judgment. I don’t know. And at the moment, I’m having a hard time caring about the difference between intent and poor decision-making.

Regardless, I think termination of her employment and suspension of her teaching license would be the minimum I would ever accept as a parent. If she finds some way to show by her actions that she has earned the trust needed to be a teacher again, then I believe in reconciliation, but I imagine that will be a long time coming. But my advice to her would be, don’t be surprised if many people neither forgive nor forget. You just don’t mess with our kids, and we won’t take ignorance as an excuse.

I try hard to find something to build from in every situation, no matter how awful the whole thing seems. Here’s what I found to hold on to from all this.

I’m heartened by the overwhelming support and action that has flowed forth from parents and bloggers of every kind from every corner. The world of autism has many factions, many controversies, and much disagreement, but mess with our kids and we will act as one voice. Our children are more important than our differences, and this has reminded us of that.

In the Internet age, we are serving notice. Acts such as these will find the light of day. We will make sure of it. We are watching and listening. We aren’t some tribal council; we are the entire village. We have spoken, we are speaking, and we will continue to speak until our children are treated with respect and dignity.

Given the challenges we face every day, we do not give up easily (or at all) and we have developed incredible endurance. We’ve had to. Autism is an endurance event. It requires all of who we are. We’ve learned that this is what it takes to help our children grow and thrive. And we recommit ourselves to it every day, by both necessity and by choice.

I wish my son didn’t have to work so hard at everything, but he does and does so bravely. He inspires me every day. If I can love him through his challenges by the sheer force of my will, I will. I celebrate him just for who he is. He has become my teacher. Maybe when this teacher decides to become the student for a while and learn what all this means, she will understand what all the Alexes of the world have to offer us.

Also, two kids - for whatever reason - voted against this abominable act. It’s been 30 years since I was in kindergarten, but I don’t recall going against your peers being any more popular then as it probably isn’t now. I don’t know their motivations, reasoning, or feelings about their choice, but I applaud them regardless. My hope for them is that their light of compassion, decency, and their sense of right and wrong is such that no teacher, adult, or peer can ever take that away from them.

I close with two messages.

To Melissa Barton - There’s nothing I can really say that could possibly relieve you of what you have to carry right now, but I will say this. We’ve got your back. You are not alone.

To Alex Barton - You are wonderful and special and perfect just the way you are. You are unique in all the world. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Let your light shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!

If you got here by way of one of our words at The Big Word Project, all this worked! Welcome!

Both Hands and a Flashlight started as a blog where my wife and I could try to connect with other parents of special needs kids. This isn’t a requirement of anyone wanting to join the conversation. All parenting topics are fair game, though we will focus a lot on the challenges our son is facing these days. This blog may be serious, funny, biting, full of witty repartee, hopefully foul-diaper-free, certainly hopeful, and all about doing what it takes to help your child grow into whatever little person they were meant to be.

We’ve just started recently, which has amounted to us diving headfirst into explaining everything we’ve been through and everything that we’re learning. We’re just going to catch everybody up as we go.

We just started this site so we have some design issues and features to work on. Until then, stay a while, read the posts, and subscribe to our blog. More importantly, leave us a comment! Say hi, ask a question, say something witty, say something not witty, or whatever floats your battleship.

Also, read The Both Hands and a Flashlight Manifesto and the witty introductions in “The quest to find our own asses begins”. That’ll give you the gist of things.

More to come. Again, glad you made it!

We’re working on a ‘manifesto’ so visitors and participants on the site will know the kind of community we’re trying to build here. Consider this a first draft. We’ll add more I’m sure!

Here are some rules:

• Thou shalt be respectful to every parent here.
• Thou shalt be thyself at all times. We aren’t super-parents; we’re human. Being honest will help you; holding it in won’t.
• Thou shalt laugh at thyself. It’ll make you feel better.
• Thou shalt ask questions. There are stupid questions in this world, but it’s been our experience that parents of kids with these sorts of needs don’t ask them.
• If thou doth wisheth to offer advice, doeth it constructively or shuteth thy hole.
• Thou shalt value thy children regardless of what they are going through. Thou may be having a day where thou’d rather send them off with the gypsies, and that’s fine. Thou can do that (feel like sending them off, not actually doing it, though) and still love them.
• Thou shalt celebrate thy children’s hard-earned achievements, no matter how small. However, if it involves doing the Riverdance, thou might want to closeth thy blinds.
• Thou shalt not be a horse’s ass.
• Thou shalt always be an advocate for thy children.
• Thou shalt never give up.
• Thou shalt go to Italy, regardless of what that poem says. Thou wilt have to change planes in Holland anyway, trust me.

Here’s what we believe:

• There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with our child or yours. He or she may be struggling to overcome some or many things, but our children are perfect just as they are.
• We will do what is necessary to help our child reach his or her full potential, whatever that is.
• We know more about our child than anyone else. We will not blindly accept the judgments of others, no matter how ‘expert’ they may be.
• We will, however, listen to any and all advice given to us. We reserve the right to use it, adapt it to our needs, or ignore it and make fun of it.
• We are perfectly fine with people asking us questions about our son and all the therapies we go to. There is a lot of information to share and learning from each other is how we become better parents. In the rare cases where the questioner is trying to reinforce their belief that all parents with special needs kids are weird or must be doing something wrong, I will instruct my son to go take a whiz on your front door.
• We will work to be OK with not being perfect. We will work to be OK with not being OK with not being perfect. And so on.
• People who ignore our experience and understanding of our child, treat us like idiots, and think they know more than we do about him just because they have a long string of initials after their name can go to hell.
• You have our permission to say “bite me” or be sarcastic to anyone who makes an idiotic comment to you in public. Example: “No, I never thought about talking to my child more. We decided before we had children that we were all going to become mimes.”
• Never use a big word when profanity will do.
• Anyone who judges our children, says anything derogatory about them, or makes fun of them will get their ass kicked and their name taken. Once time travel is invented, we will go back in time and smack their parents, too.
• Parents who can affirm each other with all their flaws and foibles and be supportive and understanding in the midst of all the emotions that come with this are the best people we know. We love you!

To borrow the famous philosophers’ words, “Be excellent to each other. And, party on, dudes!”