Humor

When the going gets tough, just remind yourself how freakin’ cute your kid is!

J-Man’s Easter Report:

The Easter Bunny doesn’t bring candy because, well, I won’t eat it. I only eat snacks that are in the tortilla chip food group. I loved my book. I was pretty whatev about the Little People boat and extra pirates. The plastic eggs looked pretty while flying off the couch.

Daddy looked sad. He said he asked the Easter Bunny for a Little People Noah’s Ark with the extra Pirate Pack instead.

Arrrrrrrrr!!! We’re being attacked by a freakin’ giant monkey!

Just so you know, if the vomit has big enough chunks of chicken nuggets, you should consider removing those chunks from the clothing/towels BEFORE you launder them. Otherwise you may end up picking freshly washed and rinsed chunks of chicken nugget vomit out of your washer, then feeling the need to bleach both the machine and your hands.

Also, it is a good idea to remember that you actually laundered those clothes/towels on Monday, and not leave them in the washing machine until Thursday. Otherwise you may end up picking not-freshly washed and rinsed chunks of chicken nugget vomit out of your washer, then feeling the need to bleach both the machine and your hands, and then having to re-launder those clothes anyway.

And, seriously son? Jeopardy, while the best game show ever invented (including Match Game, where they were always drunk or high), is just not on every minute of every day, and when you pick up the remote control and hand it to me, sometimes I can’t find it for you. We already DVR Signing Time and The Wonder Pets for you, and every “when nature revolts” show for Daddy. Can I please keep my 2 movies that I still haven’t had time to watch on the DVR, and not have them deleted for lack of space? Kthxbye.

Our occasional walk through the pictorial history of our pride and joy.

In other words, “show me some dang baby pictures!”

[From a couple of years ago]

Thank ya, thank ya very much.

There is no spoon…

Honestly, if we could figure out a way to use human gas as an energy source, the Flashlight household would never have to pay for electricity or auto fuel again. The J-man excels at passing gas – both loudly, and the silent-but-deadly (SBD) kind. His favorite time to use the SBD weapon is when I’m rocking him and he’s nursing before bed. He turns on his belly and turns his head to nurse, hunches up his little behind… and then it hits me. There have been times that I gagged. For a child who eats next to nothing some days, he can sure be a little stinker! Then, he laughs!

Today’s word was a variation on a previous word of the day: GaGoMaMo – which for those of you who don’t speak J-man-ese, equals, More Go Mama. I heard it a LOT when J-man was out on the swing for an hour this afternoon.

The cough and congestion seemed much worse this morning, but then seemed better this afternoon. He’s still eating very little, and not wanting to eat nuggets at all, so I’m wondering if his throat is hurting. Again, now would be one of those times when you desperately want your child to speak!

As a personal aside, I went into work last week to help out my old team. Annoying Coworker was there, and for some reason feels the need to ask me if I really disliked him when we worked together. He asked me this when we were still working together as well. The answer hadn’t changed… He truly seemed shocked when I told him that I thought he was annoying, and that he seemed to spend a lot of time trying to get under my skin. There was a time when I would have tried to “help him” understand what he had done, but you know, he’s 35 years old. If he hasn’t gotten by now that most women hate sexual innuendo and being told they don’t actually understand what feminism is all about while trying to work on a team of 95% men, he’s not going to get it. So, no, I didn’t like you then, and I don’t like you now. This isn’t going to change!

J-Man has always been a music lover. For a long time, it was the only thing that would help him calm down and relax when he was upset or couldn’t sleep. Singing still helps with certain things, like attempts at teeth brushing, but songs or anything lyrical (like Seuss books) also help engage him into paying attention and doing a little talking.

We have a ridiculous number of music channels on our digital cable. One of them was playing James Brown’s “Living in America”. I would imitate (badly) James Brown’s trademark “ow!” and Little Man started saying “ah-ow” after me. We had a blast! Then came some serious father-son bonding.

The next song was “Brickhouse”. I would sing “Brick! duh, duh, duh, duh… house!” and he would say “ow!”

Mary was in the kitchen rolling her eyes. I was in the floor howling. J-Man thought the whole thing was hysterical. Now all I have to do is say “brick” and he busts out laughing.

There are days you’ll do whatever it takes to get your kid to talk. Might as well have some fun doing it.

Ow!

I found the Amalah blog and laughed till I almost cried. Her son is in Early Intervention too with speech delays, sensory issues, and the like. It really helps to know other people are out there struggling through this. I so needed a good laugh after this past week.

A bucket of Advil hasn’t put a dent in the tent-stake-through-my-eyeballs headache I’ve had lately. Some laughter seemed to help, though. Thanks!

You’ll be pleased to know that the guide to eligible expenses that can be taken out of your flexible spending account has clarified some important social and theological issues.

Glad they cleared that up. This probably saved them from having to cover potato chips and cheesy poofs, too.

I particularly liked the theological implications of the next one.

I guess Tom Cruise didn’t yell hard enough.

All humor aside, breastfeeding supplies are not covered under flexible spending plans. We already knew this, but it still chaps our collective butts. God forbid we encourage breastfeeding even though every medical and child-oriented organization on earth recommends it. So working moms have to eat $300 plus the cost of supplies (at least, after you throw in a power supply every year and replacement parts on top of everything else) to pump milk for their kids while they’re at work even though doing so has shown that their kids will incur fewer medical expenses over time. But we’re not bitter. [end rant]

Comic relief for stressful households.This really is a receipt we got one day. Hey, it’s a recipe for a good evening!

New word of the day - ‘two-berty’, the two-year-old equivalent of puberty marked by tantrums, stubbornness, and parental drinking. (see also Twos, Terrible)

We’ve gotten lucky so far. J-Man’s tantrums generally have been short-lived. Give him a minute and he’s fine. I think those days are coming to an abrupt end.

I dropped him off a while ago at ‘inclusive preschool’, a.k.a. Group Therapy with Paint, The Place Where Therapists Try to Get the Kids to Not Notice They are Therapists by Disguising Themselves as Teachers, and (most importantly) The First Church of ‘Yes, We Can’ Even If It Takes Us a While. He threw a fit something awful. My caffeine-to-parental-guilt ratio was a bit skewed this morning, so I think that leveled it out. Um, thanks.

Next week, the school transitions to a new building with more space and a playground. Hopefully that will help. Lots of people in a close space tend to unnerve him. Still, the transition may take us a week or two, especially since his occupational therapy and developmental therapy are changing days and we’re getting a new OT because of the new preschool schedule and the previous OT going on maternity leave. Should be a fun week next week.

Well, Daddy quiet time at the library is nearly over. Off to pick him up and see how well he did today.