Bodily Functions

And sometimes it just goes all to crap…

by Tim on August 10, 2010

“I’d piss on a spark plug if I thought it’d do any good!” – General Berringer, “War Games”

Well, as they say, “$h!t happens.” And so it did.

Our most recent in the Developmental Achievements We Could Do Without series was the J-Man’s newly-discovered ability to climb out of his crib. We’ve dreaded this to be honest as one of those points of no return that would mean we’d have to nuke the existing sleep routine we spent months and years building and basically start over. Within the last few days, we did discover that he’s figured out how to climb back in his bed, which is certainly a plus except that he actually has to want to.

Through our own flavor of Spy vs. Spy, we got him to at least stay in his crib by employing technology he doesn’t yet understand in some warped assertion of power by us the alpha parents. Believe it or not, that much is still kinda working. He has been staying in bed recently until he falls asleep.

However, here’s where it hits the fan, or lands under the fan as the case may be.

When last we talked about this tale many months ago, the J-Man was stripping down while still in his bed, which led to all sorts of fun and funky stuff to deal with in the mornings. For months we’ve been winning the battle thanks to our at one time desperate but in hindsight rather genius idea of putting some sort of shirt over his sleeper to stop him from getting out. Even the Great Flexi-Houdini J-Man wasn’t able to figure out how to get out of it. But as often happens, at some point a wasn’t can easily turn into an is.

It was a good run, but it appears that all good things must come to an end. And some of those must fail in a big pile of excrement, particularly one that results from an almost-five-year-old getting nekkid before it’s time to.

And this is often how changes announce themselves in life. Sometimes you get a religious epiphany, a double rainbow, perhaps the Voice from God, and maybe you simply hear that still small voice. And then there are the times you get a bunch of turds in the floor. However it happens, it’s pretty clear that when any of this happens, a wind of change is coming.

I really don’t know how to deal with this except to say “it happens” and try to come up with something before we run out of sheets, his pajamas, laundry soap, Clorox wipes, latex gloves, and bleach. It’s not like we’re flush with cash, the patience to work it out, or the time to sit and ponder it forever. We just weren’t quite prepared to deal with this latest assault.

This really wasn’t the week to have another load of stuff dumped on us. Yeah, none of us really have time for this crap, but what do you do? It’s not like he’s trying to be a butt about it. “All behavior is communication” is a fundamental principle for autism, so we just have to get to the bottom of it. We’ve just run out of ideas in our arsenal.

Maybe we’ll come up with another desperate but astute idea to wipe out this problem, but it always feels like we’re behind wherever he is. Perhaps if we could just crack the code of potty training, this much of it would come to an end. What a relief that would be! I know we have a good track record of ascertaining the solutions eventually, but at the moment, that’s not very assuring. Just feeling kind of bummed about it all. Well, this too shall pass, I suppose.

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You Kinda Get Used to Weeks Like This

by Tim on February 5, 2009

I want to say this has been a crazy week, but I suppose it’s really just par for the course.

On Tuesday, the J-Man had a dentist appointment. I don’t think I need to give any more setup to this story than that; it speaks for itself. After being in the waiting room for an eternity, we finally got our turn. Both of the ‘special rooms’ – where all the frantic, special needs kids go – were taken (we learned why later) so we were out in the common area where dentist chairs basically circle the room. Sometimes I think they should call that area something like The Freak Show where kids can either scream in full view of the other patients or show their utter terror at all things dental, but since I hate dentists too, I could be showing some bias.

So here I am, at 6′ 3″ tall, reclined and parallel to the floor in a pediatric-sized dentist chair, with the J-Man (a.k.a. Captain Orally Defensive) on top of me with his back against me. In addition to that, I have wrapped my legs around his and am holding both his arms from behind. Oh, and I’m trying to make it harder for him to move his head around by using the only thing I have left – my own head. And by the way, Mary, the hygienist, the dentist, and a second hygienist were all working on (mostly in restraining) him while I was holding him like this. And in the end, I strained something in my low back because the J-Man is that strong. Yeehaw!

Consumer tip – Don’t let your kids wear chunky, heavy, new shoes to the dentist because it makes it too easy for them to kick the skin off your legs.

Consumer tip #2 for the guys – Protect yourself carefully from said chunky, heavy, new shoes. Just sayin’.

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Adventures in Not-Really Potty Training

by Tim on November 22, 2008

For the record, we aren’t potty training and haven’t even begun to ponder that idea with any seriousness. We’re adherents to the rule of not working on more than a couple of major things at once, and frankly potty training just doesn’t rank compared to other stuff we’re working on right now.

Anyway, so after a night routine full of emotional meltdowns by the J-Man aggravated by getting up way too early this morning and not feeling that great today, he decided he was going to stand up in the bathtub rather than sit down. We thought this was just his normal protest, but…

Then we noticed he was standing AND posing for a “Man Standing at Urinal With Hands at the Ready” painting. While showing some impeccable form I might add, he stood there and whizzed like a big boy right into the bathtub, complete with some decent aiming.

Well, it’s a start.

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[The original post is here. If you haven’t read it, go read it first. You definitely won’t want to miss The Rest of the Story.]

This was so utterly bizarre that it deserves its own post.

So after the Great Sleeper Escape the other day, we just pitched the sleeper into the laundry not knowing – or wanting to know – what foulness lived in its fabric. When it came time to fold the laundry, we noticed something absolutely astounding. The Great Sleeper Escape turned out to be a complete understatement. You have to see this to believe it.

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Not the Fine Motor Achievement We Had In Mind

by Tim on September 25, 2008

[Bewildering update to this post available here.]

This has been the roller-coaster week from Helena, and this morning got off to a rip-roaring start, as if we needed that.

You may remember from the Houdini post that J-Man is the David Blaine of sleep clothes. One minute he’s clothed and then you blink and everything he’s wearing is piled on the floor and he’s jumping up and down in the bed butt nekkid. Thankfully, David Blaine hasn’t tried that on prime time TV yet.

So we had given up on two-piece pajamas for a while and have been cramming him back into sleepers again. The stress of having to run into his room the second he woke up in the morning to prevent endless sheet washing just got old. His sleepers are zippered and snapped and fit him so snugly that it’s hard for him even to completely straighten out. He’s chewed on the neck area of them a lot, but they’ve stayed on and always zippered up, which has thankfully thwarted any more ecstatic fits of aerobic urination in the bed.

Well, at least until this morning.

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I’m not wearing pants!

by Mary on August 12, 2008

Because the J-man has recently gone to wearing 2-piece pajamas (I’m telling you, we tried to keep him in sleepers for as long as possible!), we have had some issues.

Some of it is good: the J-man is learning more about self-care. He is very good at putting his arms through shirt sleeves, and working hard at stepping into shorts. He definitely knows that his socks go on his feet, but will just lay them over a foot because he can’t figure out how to open the top.

Also good: J-man is learning to help take his shorts off. He can already rip his socks off – mostly through effort because he likes to be barefoot whenever possible. He doesn’t like taking his shirt off though, and will fight that.

However… Saturday morning when Tim got up with J-man, Tim walked into the nursery, and the J-man was there with a shirt on. No pants. No overnight pull-up. Lots of pee (crib, sheets, remaining part of the bumper pad). Saturday night, when I put the J-man down, he stayed awake for a while. I joked to Tim that I should check on J-man to make sure he was still wearing clothes. I JOKED! And then I walked in. Little man lying there sound asleep… wearing a soaked shirt, with soaked sheets, and the pants and pull-up on the floor. Bare ass shining brightly. Picking up a wet, sound asleep toddler, trying to get him clean and into new pajamas, stripping the bed and putting on clean sheets, all while trying not to wake him? Awesome.

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Apparently Vomiting Improves Gross Motor Skills

June 19, 2008

Well, probably not… Though I could probably poll some former college friends and they might provide some corroborating evidence for this. J-Man literally put the ‘gross’ in ‘gross motor skills’ tonight. After hurling up his entire dinner intake and probably parts of previous meals, he proceeded to walk up the dozen steps to our upstairs […]

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PSA regarding vomit

March 13, 2008

Just so you know, if the vomit has big enough chunks of chicken nuggets, you should consider removing those chunks from the clothing/towels BEFORE you launder them. Otherwise you may end up picking freshly washed and rinsed chunks of chicken nugget vomit out of your washer, then feeling the need to bleach both the machine […]

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