Tim had asked me to put together a list of my favorite blogs. I think he was surprised that none of the ones I call “my absolute favorites” were blogs about autism.
I thought about why. I think for me, blogs are another form of escapism. I read blogs for fun, and often laugh out loud as I read them. As you are probably aware, Tim does most of the research on autism in our family. He reads the books. He reads the blogs. He watches the news pieces.
I can’t do that. I think it’s because there is so often something in there that hurts me – it hurts my soul. To see children (or adults for that matter) treated in the way that so many news articles report… it hurts me. Before we had the J-man, I would see stories about a child dying, or being hurt, or something horrible, and think, “That’s awful. I can’t imagine what those parents are going through.”
The problem of course now is that I CAN imagine what those parents are going through, at least to the extent that I can imagine that happening to MY child. I read about the bullying by peers and by teachers going on in schools. I know that doesn’t happen to our son right now (self-contained AU classroom, awesome teachers, and “special helpers” from the 5th grade class), but I can imagine it happening some day.
So there are some autism blogs that I read daily. And others… that I have to work up the courage to read. And others… that I just can’t read at all.
If motherhood imparts traces of omnipotence, even the rhetoric of special needs motherhood raises the bar. Often we are called “superhuman” or “saints.” The “I don’t know how you do it” that special needs mamas hear implies that we must have some other-worldly qualities to help us make it through the day. The notion that we doubt ourselves, keenly feel our limitations, or labor over our decisions simply doesn’t line up with the power necessary to meet the challenge of our daily tasks. – Vicki Forman
This mama says exactly what I would say if I could write like that. I am not a saint. I am not a superhero. Sometimes I’m not even a very good mama. I get tired of sensory issues and say things like “Just eat” or “Just climb the damn stairs.” I get jealous that my friend’s little boy, who is a year younger than the J-man, is speaking AND eating table food. I get scared about what is next, and so I procrastinate instead of learning something new, because then I have a reason for failure, instead of being a failure. I read random books as a form of escapism.
However, I do have superpowers! I can call upon the power of the boob at a moment’s notice, and my super-sensitive-nose has saved us from taking the J-man somewhere moments after he’s pooped. I can sing many songs in many keys, and have learned to vary the pace so he can sing along. Mostly though, I can love him.
That’s my best superpower.
This is how nerdy I am: in the past 2 days, I have sent email to both Rita from Surrender, Dorothy and Melissa at Shakesville… and both have answered me. Both emails were for technical issues I was having with their sites, and they were both gracious enough to answer me directly. You should have seen my reaction when I got real-true email from those famous people!
I’m considering printing out the emails and bronzing them. Or something.
Because I am a nerd and go in and read Tim’s posts, I went and read Amalah’s blog too, and found this piece that resonated with me.
This was the part that REALLY says what I am thinking.
You know why I’m afraid of autism? Of delays and labels and illness and stuff that just ain’t right with my kid?
Because I am afraid of myself. Of what I am capable of, of what I can handle, and that it won’t be enough. There.
Well, that, and the whole “I wish everything wasn’t so hard for him” thing.
He tries so hard to communicate without words. Now, when we say, “I love you” before bedtime and try to get J-man to say any part of it back, he kisses us instead. And kisses us. And kisses us.
I love you too, Little Man.
