Today I ran in our local 5K Autism Run, which for me was a celebration of the J-Man and Dale Jr., being a dad, and the journey it’s taken me on, but also of a newer me who is getting fitter and feeling stronger a little bit at a time. About 2 1/2 months ago I started training for this 5K. Not long ago, walking up and down steps was hard. I was utterly burned out, and getting through the day took just about all I had. When I started running again, jogging for more than 90 seconds at a time was a real challenge.
Today I’m 13 pounds lighter and a pant size smaller than I was in late July, and I’m on a path that’s leading toward becoming someone who is strong enough to be the dad of two awesome kids.
If you’ve been following me on Twitter lately, you’ve seen me make references to being ‘strong enough’ quite a bit. I’ve read a lot of blog posts over the past three years about autism, parenting special needs children, and the challenges we all face. But none have stayed with me more than Rachel Coleman’s two-part “Strong Enough To Be Your Mom” post. (Part 1 and Part 2) I know we spread the love about Rachel and Signing Time around here because our boys accord her the adoration of a rock star and because we respect her so much, but her Strong Enough posts spoke to me when I felt like my body was falling apart.
It focused all my uncertainty, fear, and even anger about my health and strength and spirit into one thought: I just want to be strong enough. I don’t need to be stronger than anyone else; I just need to be strong enough to be their dad.
Finally, I started to do something about it. Goodbye Cokes and sweets, hello lean and green dinners, and back on the road to do something I used to love and am falling in love with again.
I feel as good physically as I’ve felt in a long time. Most days aren’t roses and sunshine, and emotionally life is still a roller coaster, but that’s OK. I’m not the Buddha, Mr. Congeniality, or one of the Care Bears. It’s not about measuring up to anyone or anything else. I’m training not for a marathon of 26.2 miles but the adventure-filled marathon that will last the rest of my life. And I want to make sure it takes me a very long time to finish it.
At first I started all this because I felt like I had to. Now I’m realizing I’m making the decisions to build a better me because I choose to. I choose to take better care of myself. I choose to do what it takes to be the good dad I want to be.
I choose to take ownership of my life, my health, and my parenting because I’m not some victim of circumstance, genetics, life chaos, or autism. I thought about my grandmother a lot while I was training and while I was on the road today. I thought about what she would do. The answer is simple: Kick butt, never quit, and don’t roll over for nobody or nothing. So that’s what I choose.
Now I’m looking for the next 5K to sign up for. Maybe 10K. After that, who knows what’s next!
But for today, I felt strong enough to be their dad.
Oh, and my time. Not bad considering last year it took me an hour and five minutes in a low-back brace!
Posts that hopefully are similar:
- Lessons from the Road – One Year Later
- Why Do I Run?
- Diagnosis Day – 2nd Anniversary Edition
- A Journey of a Thousand Miles
- The Subject We Avoid Talking About – The Physical Toll of Parenting
- Diagnosis Day and a Tale of Two Marathons
- Why Marathon? Reflections on Diagnosis Day
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Just the encouragement I needed. I was exercising, but I let that go. I did Weight Watchers this summer and lost 20 lbs., but I stopped tracking my points and put half of it back already. I took a mile walk/run with my son, and could barely keep up with an out of shape and unmotivated 11 year old. We just spent nearly two months “under siege” when GL’s meds weren’t working. Things are starting to return to as normal as they get around here, but I’m having a hard time pulling out of survival mode. If I’m going to build any endurance, now is the time. Endurance is the key. Continuing in survival mode would be detrimental to my long-term survival.
Go Tim, Go!!!
Many congratulations, Tim! I have to tell you, YOUR success is even more inspiring to me than Rachel’s has been simply because I know you do not have a large extended family, you don’t have a “manny” or a “nanny” and you don’t have many of the same supports I imagine Rachel does. At least, that’s the impression I get from reading her posts and tweets.
You? You’re just a regular guy with a super hectic and stressful life which is very much like mine. You inspire me. Thanks.
Oh, and your grandmother would be very, very proud of you; of that I have no doubt!
Congrats!
Thanks everyone for the well wishes!
@Daniel – You make a very good point. Long-term survival isn’t possible in survival mode. You summed that up in a way I hadn’t been able to quite put my finger on. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sustain what I was doing. I had to make changes. Mary did Weight Watchers once, and it’s just way too much math and junk for me. I decided to attack bad habits that were easy to understand (if not easy to actually do): no sodas, no cookies (my worst vice), small portions of other sweets, good dinners, lots of water, exercise. No weighing or points or whatever. It’s amazing what just doing that has done for me.
Good luck to us both!
@Niksmom – I think we all have differing circumstances as parents, and whether any one of us has more or less support than another may or may not matter as much as I used to think it did. Each of us carries around a lot of responsibilities, and we each have a lot of challenges to overcome. It’s hard for all of us. We’re all trying to climb an enormous mountain, and we all walk around afraid a lot.
It’s a major piece of what speaks to me in her ‘strong enough’ idea. I don’t have to be as strong as her or as you or as anyone else. I don’t have to be strong enough to parent her kids or yours or anyone’s. We just have to be strong enough for our own lives and to parent our own kids. That’s really freeing to me, and it’s also made it easier for me to cheer others on.
I’ve spent my whole life calibrating to someone else’s measuring sticks, and it’s driven me to all kinds of mental illness and exhaustion. I look up to Rachel because she’s done amazing things for her family and for so many of us and our kids. I like to imagine that at some point maybe she sat down and thought, “If I could take all the resources, skills, and supports of my life and be the kick-ass version of me, what would that look like?” and then went out and did what she’s done. I’m trying to ask that question of myself, and I definitely want to be the kick-ass version of me.
Thanks for all your kind words and compliments. Perhaps the definition of inspiring is just someone doing the best they can with their lives. If so, I think we’re all pretty inspiring!
By the way, I did the Couch to 5K running program. I highly recommend it to anyone trying to get into running. It took me longer than the 9 weeks to complete thanks to knee pain and generally being out of shape, but it’s doable for a lot of people if you allot 9-12 weeks to do it and aren’t too concerned about your 5K time when you’re ‘done’. I’m not done yet, though. I wanna do more and longer races now!
Wow – congratulations!
Getting healthy has been on my mind a lot lately, as I’m coming to terms with the idea that my autistic child is going to be an autistic adult. He’s going to need me a lot longer.
Part of my problem is that I tend to treat stress with unhealthy habits – eating on the couch in front of Law & Order. Then I feel worse because I’m also super-guilty and the cycle starts all over again. How do you deal with the inevitable stresses that come up?
Anyway, I’m inspired and very proud of you! I’m going to make a commitment to get back on track
@Angela: I don’t know how Tim handles it, but I made four lists. Here are samples from each:
1. Things I don’t enjoy, that have to be done anyway: Washing GL. Making him do chores he doesn’t want to do. Dishes and laundry. (I have trained BB to help with these.) Cooking. Taking him to therapies and doctor appointments. General cleaning and tidying. Paperwork. Exercise if I haven’t been doing it lately.
2. Things I enjoy, but that use up my reserves of energy: Facebook. Idle web surfing. TV. Some social events, especially if I bring GL. (I usually do.) Overindulging in my favorite foods.
3. Things I enjoy, that build my reserves of energy: Excercise, once I establish the habit. Eating fresh fruits and vegetables. Solitude. Time with my wife. Clearing out clutter–stuff I don’t want or need, but tend to accumulate anyway. Music. Reading a good book. Spending time outdoors. Getting enough sleep.
4. Things that have to be done that I also actually enjoy: Doing therapies at home. (some of them, anyway.) Reading to my kids. Listening to music together. Doing outdoor activities together. Playing with them. Getting enough sleep.
List #1 is where I seem to spend most my time.
I can do things on list #2, but I need to carefully evaluate my energy reserves and project likely demands.
I try to spend more time on list #3.
Even when doing something on list #4, I sometimes feel guilty that I’m not doing something on list #1. I’m actually more likely to neglect the duties on list #4 than list #1 if I don’t watch myself.
@Daniel: Those lists really put things into perspective. When you break it down like that, I realize how much time I spend on things that zap me and don’t build up any energy whatsoever. I’m going to make my own lists and try and approach my day a little more thoughtfully. Come to think of it, that sounds like a really good subject for a blog post
So proud of you and that picture of the 3 of you is fantastic! You all look fantastic.