According to his teachers, the J-man is going through the Terrible Twos/Threes developmental stage. Since he is pretty close to five, it’s a little hard to deal with. He pushes our buttons in many ways, every day. From just being incredibly loud when Dale Jr is trying to sleep to outright physical defiance, he has been a true stinker. They say at school that he is being physically oppositional to things he’s done for almost 2 years now.
And they say it’s normal.
I’d be telling a lie if I didn’t say this was hard. I’m kind of amazed at how hard it is. Our chiropractor has been getting a lot of our business, just because we keep “playing hurt.” Of course we do – that’s parenting, but the physical aspect of forcing the J-man into and out of clothes alone is draining, and that’s been one of the smaller problems.
However, at the same time we are seeing startling upswings in language development. It’s not like he has all of a sudden started TALKING, but he is certainly much more willing to do things like speak some of the words of songs he has heard for years, or tell us that there is a “cookie” on the screen when Rachel is talking about “dessert.” His receptive language skill has definitely increased… now, whether he will actually follow a direction is more of a behavioral issue, but he KNOWS what we’re asking.
I wonder how much Dale Jr’s progress is helping the J-man. You should see how irritated the J-man gets when we’re reciting the alphabet with Dale Jr. (Yes, our one-year-old knows the alphabet. Thank you Saint Rachel!) Dale Jr hasn’t mastered the K sound yet, so when he gets to K and Q, he just skips them. It’s hilarious to us, but NOT to the J-man. It’s causing him to interact, if just to remind Dale Jr that there ARE those 2 letters in the alphabet. (We don’t actually skip them when WE’RE saying them, Dale Jr just pauses and waits for us to catch up to him.)
We’re kind of at the point where it’s time to hire someone to help us structure the house to help the J-man. At our “emergency” parent-teacher conference last week, Ms. Jennifer gave us the name of an organization that does that kind of thing, and we’re going to call them. We are hopeful that if we can get our house a little better organized toward meeting the J-man’s needs that we won’t have as hard of a time as we’ve been having with behavioral issues – that we can clear the sensory stuff as an issue, and then be able to focus on changing behavior that’s just behavior.
I’m pretty sure we’re at that point though, where the only thing that stays the same is that everything is changing. And that’s not so bad because it means we are moving forward, looking for the light at the end of tunnel, and believing with all our hearts that it’s not the train coming the other way to mow us down.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Hope the organization helps. Based on my experience with my son, I can only say that every time I think we’ve “clear(ed) the sensory stuff as an issue” it ALWAYS comes back to bite me in the butt. The sensory stuff never really goes away, it just varies in intensity of need, method of seeking or avoiding. Our OT has been very helpful in giving suggestions about how to handle certain things. More importantly, she’s helped us to be able to see all of Nik’s behaviors as a communicatio of a sensory need. As we learn to understand this “language” and give Nik the input he’s seeking, it’s made so many of the other behaviors less intense.
NOT saying that’s the issue w/J-man but that it’s worth exploring if you haven’t already. Sorry it’s been so rough lately; I truly hope it settles down very soon.
Excellent post, Mary! You and Tim tell so well how it is and how you are doing, providing both encouragement and practical suggestions to readers.
I am very sympathetic to managing 2-year-old behavior in a 5 year old body. Hard on the parent-body, indeed. I’m more of a mind to manage behavior through home-environment than chiropractic-inducing-physical-force – so really supportive of seeking that service. (Somehow I think an OT should be able to help, but maybe I am just behind the OT-times.)
Here is another blogger that I have read – managing her son through similar physically challenging behaviors. Consider reading back into her blog or contacting her to get particularly helpful posts.
http://mommydearest1514.blogspot.com/
Just to clarify, the chiropractor is for Mary and me (chronic back pain, sometimes made worse by parenting!). There’s a lot of ‘chiropractic can fix anything’ stuff out there, most of which I think is somewhere between bunk and fraud. I have congenital defects in my vertebrae that can make it nearly impossible for me to function without regular visits to our chiro. I like being able to stand up, walk, and put my own pants and shoes on.
As far as the whole chiropractic treatment/autism/behavior thing, I haven’t seen any research yet that seems credible. I guess if the behavior is worsened by chronic back pain, sure, but for autism directly, just don’t see it.
There’s always going to be a sensory component, so we tend to use ‘clearing the sensory stuff’ more in the sense of ‘sensory changes do not seem to be the culprit in this case’ than ‘there are no sensory issues here’. I tend to think of everything in terms of variables, and if the sensory variable in the equation seems relatively the same but the equation is suddenly way out of balance, then it likely is something else that’s the main issue. Of course, all that can change several times a day!
We’re so used to it usually being a sensory issue that this is a pretty new experience for us. On the one hand, you really want to affirm and celebrate differentiation, having an opinion and expressing it, and all those things that mean he’s becoming his own social self. On the other hand, I would like to be able to go to the store without incident.
Oh, yea, and reading Niksmom is a great idea, too!
I understood completely that the chiro was for the parents – I was not clear. Apologies! Like Niksmom said on the sensory stuff – requires continuous management as the child grows/matures. Did you see the co-post I did with JoyMama titled “Stim-sense”?
It’s neat that J-Man’s development seems to be spurred by his younger brother.
Barbara, the reason we’re considering this service instead of an OT is this: an OT is there to help the J-man. This service is there to help the entire family integrate things that will help the J-man, but will also allow us to live our lives. An OT will tell us that we should set up the “classroom” to benefit the J-man, but doesn’t really have suggestions on how Dale Jr can be a part of that – it’s like everything is about the J-man and his needs, and nobody else’s needs are important. But of course, everyone else’s needs ARE important in the house, so we need strategies that can help everyone. That’s the whole idea behind this service – that autistic kids don’t live in a vacuum, and that the whole family has to be taken care of.
I’m trying to explain this, and I feel like I’m just babbling at this point, so I’ll stop.
You explain it fine, Mary. I am not be surprised an OT gave those restrictions to her service delivery. At the same time, it is the kind of service I would expect an OT to be ABLE to do – give consideration to the whole family for J-man’s benefit. Somehow that is philosophically what I was taught to provide, but perhaps that is no more or just your particular OT’s employer rules.
Your blog – babble all you want!
Tim and Mary,
As the OT that you are referring to, I can’t help but be a little hurt and surprised. Yes, as J-Man’s SCHOOL-BASED OT, it is my job to see that J-Man is as successful as school as he can possibly be. That’s what the tax payers pay me to do. But, I have never insinuated that I can’t help you any further than that. On the contrary, I thought the home visit that occurred a hand full of months ago, in my mind, was about you and your family. I thought we went over suggestions on how to get the boys to play together, that Dale Jr. was a brilliant component to encouraging J-Man’s play skills and meeting some of his sensory needs, as well as structuring the house to help everyone out. I’m really sorry to read that you didn’t see it like that, actually the extreme in the other direction. I am posting because I want your readers to know that your OT never told you that she couldn’t help you and that J-Man lives in a vacuum. I wish you knew the hours that I put in to your families success behind the scenes. Please, if you are ever unhappy or dissatisfied, let me know what you need.
With love and support,
The OT
Aw, Ms. J! We SO didn’t mean it like that! We really really didn’t!
Really and truly, here’s what we meant: we know it’s your job to help the J-man at school, and as you are aware, we think you do an awesome job at it. We feel like WE are having trouble implementing the great things you and Ms. Jennifer send home because WE (the adults in the house) are the problem here. I wouldn’t expect you to walk into our house, stay for hours on end telling us what all of our crap we should put away/donate/organize/trash, create schedules and boards and such, etc… for nothing. And that’s how I would view it.
The OT we had when the J-man was still in Early Intervention told us that she would help us too, but that it wasn’t really something the county was up for – i.e., we knew they wouldn’t pay her to do it, and that they “discouraged” their employees “freelancing.” We wouldn’t want to put that kind of burden on someone helping US THE PARENTS get our crap together without paying them for it, and truly didn’t think YOU (as a county employee) would be legally able to do it! And it is your job to help the J-man, and not actually us, although the two go hand in hand sometimes.
What we truly need to do is have some of those professional organizer people come in, get our house in order – not just the classroom and such but the whole house, and then have someone come in AGAIN and work with us on getting stuff in order for the J-man that Dale Jr couldn’t come along and destroy in 30 seconds. We’re at a different place than we were when you and Ms. Jennifer came in – because now we have the MOBILE baby, so we have to rethink everything. We really think we should PAY someone because we are that hopeless in our organization.
So, in conclusion, we just felt like the school-based OT had quite enough to do to deal with our giant bundle of energy at school, and really felt like we should hire someone else to help us get our own lives together before we can get the OT stuff at home together.
Oh Mary!
Thank you so much for the clarification! I totally misunderstood your post. I reread it and realize where I went wrong. I am excited for you and the help coming in. I think it will be great! Thank you again for writing back and clarifying