Comments on: Not just another walk in the park http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/ Parenting, Autism, and the Pursuit of Being Awesome Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:51:42 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: Tim http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5906 Tim Fri, 01 May 2009 03:32:20 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5906 @ magicdrgn - Sometimes I feel like we should take notes on how our kids have meltdowns so we can learn how to have proper meltdowns for ourselves. They seem to be both good and efficient at it. The J-Man blows through one and then goes on like the happiest guy on earth while I'm still pissed off, biting my fingernails, and wallowing in self-indulgent pity. I think we get really messed up when it feels like the choice is between attempting to be superhuman or allowing the world to fall to crap. Is that always really what the choice is between? Likely not, but there are occasions when I think it's probably close, though. I don't know. @ magicdrgn – Sometimes I feel like we should take notes on how our kids have meltdowns so we can learn how to have proper meltdowns for ourselves. They seem to be both good and efficient at it. The J-Man blows through one and then goes on like the happiest guy on earth while I’m still pissed off, biting my fingernails, and wallowing in self-indulgent pity.

I think we get really messed up when it feels like the choice is between attempting to be superhuman or allowing the world to fall to crap. Is that always really what the choice is between? Likely not, but there are occasions when I think it’s probably close, though. I don’t know.

]]> By: Tim http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5905 Tim Fri, 01 May 2009 03:27:19 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5905 @Shannon - We're definitely all about the stroller. The J-Man is getting pretty close to outgrowing our jogging stroller, though. (feet are perilously close-looking to the front wheel even with the guard on) But he'll sit in there often for a good hour while we walk around the neighborhood. Of anything we might do outside, I think that's the most carefree for both of us. He's also quite the 'carry me' kid in public. I'm about 225 lbs and 6' 3" and quite definitely not pregnant, so lugging him for several minutes at a stretch isn't that bad on most days. One big issue of late, though, is that my back has been giving me a terrible time, which makes not only the carrying (obviously) but most all the corralling and whatnot that we do out in public very trying. You make an important point that I routinely ignore. I regularly run myself ragged to near exhaustion. I'm not sure how to do things another way, but I need to learn. Some things are just getting unsustainable for me physically. And when I'm physically struggling, everything else goes completely to crap for me. I think when/if the day comes when he says or communicates something to us about feeling upset and feeling different from other kids, that will be emotionally wrenching for us. I feel like we need to start now working on ways to frame these things in positive ways that he can understand. Whether I'm over-reacting... well, that's always likely. He'll always be the perfect star in our world, and my hope is that he grows to see himself that same way. I'm regularly all about being different as being a good thing, and often preferable. We just want to focus on positive messages and reinforcing that with him at every opportunity. You may have told me this before, but if so, I forgot. Do you live in the U.S.? If so, diapers and feeding and all that have nothing to do with getting into a preschool program with your local school system. If your child has a 'qualifying disability', then after age 3 your county has to by federal law provide him with educational, therapy, etc. services regardless. However, this doesn't apply to schools not run by the county (i.e., private schools). If you don't live in the U.S., I'm completely ignorant of how the rest of the world works. Honestly, I barely know how it works in my county. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! Mary's hanging in there strong. I'll send you an e-mail as soon as I can. @Shannon – We’re definitely all about the stroller. The J-Man is getting pretty close to outgrowing our jogging stroller, though. (feet are perilously close-looking to the front wheel even with the guard on) But he’ll sit in there often for a good hour while we walk around the neighborhood. Of anything we might do outside, I think that’s the most carefree for both of us.

He’s also quite the ‘carry me’ kid in public. I’m about 225 lbs and 6′ 3″ and quite definitely not pregnant, so lugging him for several minutes at a stretch isn’t that bad on most days. One big issue of late, though, is that my back has been giving me a terrible time, which makes not only the carrying (obviously) but most all the corralling and whatnot that we do out in public very trying.

You make an important point that I routinely ignore. I regularly run myself ragged to near exhaustion. I’m not sure how to do things another way, but I need to learn. Some things are just getting unsustainable for me physically. And when I’m physically struggling, everything else goes completely to crap for me.

I think when/if the day comes when he says or communicates something to us about feeling upset and feeling different from other kids, that will be emotionally wrenching for us. I feel like we need to start now working on ways to frame these things in positive ways that he can understand. Whether I’m over-reacting… well, that’s always likely.

He’ll always be the perfect star in our world, and my hope is that he grows to see himself that same way. I’m regularly all about being different as being a good thing, and often preferable. We just want to focus on positive messages and reinforcing that with him at every opportunity.

You may have told me this before, but if so, I forgot. Do you live in the U.S.? If so, diapers and feeding and all that have nothing to do with getting into a preschool program with your local school system. If your child has a ‘qualifying disability’, then after age 3 your county has to by federal law provide him with educational, therapy, etc. services regardless. However, this doesn’t apply to schools not run by the county (i.e., private schools). If you don’t live in the U.S., I’m completely ignorant of how the rest of the world works. Honestly, I barely know how it works in my county.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! Mary’s hanging in there strong. I’ll send you an e-mail as soon as I can.

]]> By: Tim http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5904 Tim Fri, 01 May 2009 03:04:26 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5904 @Jamie - We are lucky to have a really good school system here, and he goes to what we think is the best school we have with the best teachers we could ever ask for. I know this isn't the case for a lot of families. To have that in our lives sets the tone for everything else. It's such a huge burden off our shoulders, and even more important than that, he's really thriving there. He is in a separate pre-K classroom with 7 other kids on various parts of the spectrum, but they do get chances to dip their toes in the waters with other kids at the elementary school. They are amazing with helping kids mainstream or not in whatever way is most appropriate to where each child is. I am thankful every day that he's at that school. The teachers - special ed or not - look out for them, and what's even better is that their attitude toward our children sets a positive tone for all the students there. To watch the students from all the grades sell candy last fall and work hard to raise money for our local autism society was a real joy for us. Some of the older kids who help out when our pre-K has PE often say hi to the J-Man and the other kids if we're in the school lobby when they come in. Many of the students at his school have a lot to teach some of the adults I've met. We've resisted becoming 'van people', but I suspect we'll end up there someday. The idea of a decompression chamber has a lot of appeal. Another parent I know swears by hers too. I'm usually good about pacing myself with all this and in general stay upbeat about things. I think the combination of all this, the baby coming, work pressure, and the general chaos of our lives has really worn me down of late. It's just a matter of getting up, brushing myself off, and moving on ahead. A pity party every now and then helps I think, though. @Jamie – We are lucky to have a really good school system here, and he goes to what we think is the best school we have with the best teachers we could ever ask for. I know this isn’t the case for a lot of families. To have that in our lives sets the tone for everything else. It’s such a huge burden off our shoulders, and even more important than that, he’s really thriving there. He is in a separate pre-K classroom with 7 other kids on various parts of the spectrum, but they do get chances to dip their toes in the waters with other kids at the elementary school. They are amazing with helping kids mainstream or not in whatever way is most appropriate to where each child is. I am thankful every day that he’s at that school.

The teachers – special ed or not – look out for them, and what’s even better is that their attitude toward our children sets a positive tone for all the students there. To watch the students from all the grades sell candy last fall and work hard to raise money for our local autism society was a real joy for us. Some of the older kids who help out when our pre-K has PE often say hi to the J-Man and the other kids if we’re in the school lobby when they come in. Many of the students at his school have a lot to teach some of the adults I’ve met.

We’ve resisted becoming ‘van people’, but I suspect we’ll end up there someday. The idea of a decompression chamber has a lot of appeal. Another parent I know swears by hers too.

I’m usually good about pacing myself with all this and in general stay upbeat about things. I think the combination of all this, the baby coming, work pressure, and the general chaos of our lives has really worn me down of late. It’s just a matter of getting up, brushing myself off, and moving on ahead. A pity party every now and then helps I think, though.

]]> By: Tim http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5903 Tim Fri, 01 May 2009 02:48:28 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5903 @Ecki - You hit on a really important point. As much as we at least attempt to avoid comparisons with other kids, it happens, and we don't often care to admit it. At least I don't like to. There are plenty of times I don't think twice about it - like at the store or the mall - and others where I get a bit smug and say, "our kids are the most well-behaved here!" (see <a href="http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/02/26/bragging-while-dragging/" rel="nofollow">our museum trip post</a>) Then there are those times I'm like, why can't we just chill and play and have a bit of non-dramatic fun outside with some friends? There's nothing wrong with him or me or any of us. It's the reminder that we are 'other' that is hard for me lately. Honestly if he had just stimmed on some mulch I think I would have been cool with that, though I like to try to get him to do some other things when we're out vs. what he can just do at home. The other kids - and there were quite a few of them at the park that day - understandably wanted their turns on the swing, but that was all he wanted to do. We have a swing at home too. "Let's try something new" didn't seem to on the agenda on Friday. Stuff happens, and we move on. Small steps. @Ecki – You hit on a really important point. As much as we at least attempt to avoid comparisons with other kids, it happens, and we don’t often care to admit it. At least I don’t like to. There are plenty of times I don’t think twice about it – like at the store or the mall – and others where I get a bit smug and say, “our kids are the most well-behaved here!” (see our museum trip post) Then there are those times I’m like, why can’t we just chill and play and have a bit of non-dramatic fun outside with some friends? There’s nothing wrong with him or me or any of us. It’s the reminder that we are ‘other’ that is hard for me lately.

Honestly if he had just stimmed on some mulch I think I would have been cool with that, though I like to try to get him to do some other things when we’re out vs. what he can just do at home. The other kids – and there were quite a few of them at the park that day – understandably wanted their turns on the swing, but that was all he wanted to do. We have a swing at home too. “Let’s try something new” didn’t seem to on the agenda on Friday.

Stuff happens, and we move on. Small steps.

]]> By: Shannon http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5872 Shannon Thu, 30 Apr 2009 06:36:12 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5872 The thing I hold on to is the fact that Caden doesn't feel different yet. Other people see it with the constant hand flapping and I used to get annoyed by the looks but I just don't care anymore. I would stay in with him because it was easier but now I go out as often as possible. He is having a great time and I hope he never feels different. I have had to go back to using the stroller when we go out but let him loose at the park. Short spurts work best with him and myself to be honest. I am 37 weeks pregnant now and if we go without the stroller he sits and I carry. He is a big boy and is quite heavy so the stroller will suffice for now. Now the looks I get there..oh, boy! he is 3 in July but is the size of a 5 year old. The thing is if I exhaust myself I am overwhelmed more easily and that is not good for anyone. I would love to get Caden into preschool but still using diaper and insists Mom feed him still. I was told he must be potty trained and feeding himself. It would be nice to have a wee break though and for someone else to teach him a few things but I will wait for now. So my advice Tim is don't overwhelm yourself..small spurts will work too. When you said hours I thought wow, someone has A LOT of energy..lol. The thing I hold on to is the fact that Caden doesn’t feel different yet. Other people see it with the constant hand flapping and I used to get annoyed by the looks but I just don’t care anymore. I would stay in with him because it was easier but now I go out as often as possible. He is having a great time and I hope he never feels different. I have had to go back to using the stroller when we go out but let him loose at the park. Short spurts work best with him and myself to be honest. I am 37 weeks pregnant now and if we go without the stroller he sits and I carry. He is a big boy and is quite heavy so the stroller will suffice for now. Now the looks I get there..oh, boy! he is 3 in July but is the size of a 5 year old.
The thing is if I exhaust myself I am overwhelmed more easily and that is not good for anyone.
I would love to get Caden into preschool but still using diaper and insists Mom feed him still. I was told he must be potty trained and feeding himself. It would be nice to have a wee break though and for someone else to teach him a few things but I will wait for now.
So my advice Tim is don’t overwhelm yourself..small spurts will work too. When you said hours I thought wow, someone has A LOT of energy..lol.

]]> By: Jamie http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5776 Jamie Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:49:05 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5776 when James was younger, I avoided these kinds of situations like the PLAGUE..he was "mainstreamed" in school and it was hard on ALL of us (teachers and myself alike) to even get James so he could play well during recess...in 2nd grade he had "special" recess and lunch when he and just a select few other kids would go out, so it wasn't the total chaos of 1/2 the school outside...his kindergarten teacher went so far as to tell me (i HATED her and she definately did NOT care for me) that James couldn't go on any field trips unless I went along too...James is now 10 and can handle small trips to the playground...however they are NEVER organized with another group of kids, unless it is through the special program he attends...even with the special program, he has quite a few meltdowns and issues interacting with the other kids, all kids similar to himself at that...it IS a marathon...it gets a little easier over time, however I can't say how much so...Saturday my sister got married..James found himself sitting in the van by himself so he could decompress twice because he just worked himself up so much....I have found the van works great when we are at gatherings like weddings and birthday parties...it's a place that is familiar and I know is safe (no keys in the van with him and he can't lock me out) and it gives him that time of quiet that he needs to put himself back together to be able to function (at least on a basic level) socially....we homeschool now, i just got so tired of the constant battles with the staff of the schools to REALLY take in to consideration what is going on with James, aside from his "behavior" and how they couldn't get him to "toe the line" so to say...my advice, take each day at a time...worrying and thinking too much about how things were or are going to be will just sap the strength right out of you... when James was younger, I avoided these kinds of situations like the PLAGUE..he was “mainstreamed” in school and it was hard on ALL of us (teachers and myself alike) to even get James so he could play well during recess…in 2nd grade he had “special” recess and lunch when he and just a select few other kids would go out, so it wasn’t the total chaos of 1/2 the school outside…his kindergarten teacher went so far as to tell me (i HATED her and she definately did NOT care for me) that James couldn’t go on any field trips unless I went along too…James is now 10 and can handle small trips to the playground…however they are NEVER organized with another group of kids, unless it is through the special program he attends…even with the special program, he has quite a few meltdowns and issues interacting with the other kids, all kids similar to himself at that…it IS a marathon…it gets a little easier over time, however I can’t say how much so…Saturday my sister got married..James found himself sitting in the van by himself so he could decompress twice because he just worked himself up so much….I have found the van works great when we are at gatherings like weddings and birthday parties…it’s a place that is familiar and I know is safe (no keys in the van with him and he can’t lock me out) and it gives him that time of quiet that he needs to put himself back together to be able to function (at least on a basic level) socially….we homeschool now, i just got so tired of the constant battles with the staff of the schools to REALLY take in to consideration what is going on with James, aside from his “behavior” and how they couldn’t get him to “toe the line” so to say…my advice, take each day at a time…worrying and thinking too much about how things were or are going to be will just sap the strength right out of you…

]]> By: Ecki http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5715 Ecki Sun, 26 Apr 2009 12:15:38 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5715 Playgrounds are always tricky for us. It seems to accentuate how DIFFERENT my child is. My daughter is five and it just kills me to see two and three year olds running circles around her (literally and figuratively). And Heaven forbid I should TRY to get her on some playground equipment (except for the swing, of course). A total screaming meltdown -- for both of us. So lately I've just given up on trying to make HER "fit" the playground. She just sits in the mulch and stims with a stick or piece of straw, and I just read a book and enjoy the day. Everyone's happy. Playgrounds are always tricky for us. It seems to accentuate how DIFFERENT my child is. My daughter is five and it just kills me to see two and three year olds running circles around her (literally and figuratively). And Heaven forbid I should TRY to get her on some playground equipment (except for the swing, of course). A total screaming meltdown — for both of us.

So lately I’ve just given up on trying to make HER “fit” the playground. She just sits in the mulch and stims with a stick or piece of straw, and I just read a book and enjoy the day. Everyone’s happy.

]]> By: magicdrgn http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5683 magicdrgn Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:05:11 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5683 I can totally relate. I have semi-regular meltdowns of my own, usually after an episode like this. I really think you'd have to be superhuman not to. I can totally relate. I have semi-regular meltdowns of my own, usually after an episode like this. I really think you’d have to be superhuman not to.

]]> By: Mary http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/2009/04/24/not-just-another-walk-in-the-park/comment-page-1/#comment-5669 Mary Sat, 25 Apr 2009 14:54:54 +0000 http://www.bothhandsandaflashlight.com/?p=753#comment-5669 Tim acts like he was being selfish to go and run errands, but I was more than happy to hang with the J-man while he was gone. I have finished up most everything at work and nobody is trying to hand me anything new because of my upcoming leave... so I was sitting around doing not a lot anyway. I just brought my computer downstairs and watched the J-man run around, occasionally squishing into the new recliner with him. Tim also doesn't mention the several times lately where I've just walked upstairs after something happening with the J-man, and announced that I'm taking a nap, and that some other adult in the house will have to go down and hang with J-man. Parenting is hard work for anyone, and I think Tim is being too hard on himself. He's a great dad. I hope for a walk in the park someday too... Tim acts like he was being selfish to go and run errands, but I was more than happy to hang with the J-man while he was gone. I have finished up most everything at work and nobody is trying to hand me anything new because of my upcoming leave… so I was sitting around doing not a lot anyway. I just brought my computer downstairs and watched the J-man run around, occasionally squishing into the new recliner with him.
Tim also doesn’t mention the several times lately where I’ve just walked upstairs after something happening with the J-man, and announced that I’m taking a nap, and that some other adult in the house will have to go down and hang with J-man. Parenting is hard work for anyone, and I think Tim is being too hard on himself.
He’s a great dad. I hope for a walk in the park someday too…

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